Around that time ( part 4 )
I went home and slept off to get up only the next morning. I was emotionally drained. I had got up early. I took my scooty out and got it in shape to go to college. I took a long warm shower preparing myself to face today's day. I was truly tensed as to what it might turn out to be.I ate the breakfast that mom served telling her - " Ma, Somu will not be picking me up today, I'll be taking my scooty ." She looked at me. I looked towards my feet. she said "ok, but be careful as you ride." I took my helmet, bag and left for college. I reached the college 15 minutes early. Not many had come as yet. There was Seema and Vidya. I just smiled at them said "hi. " And sat on the first bench.
I put on my mp3 player tuned it to the song afreen afreen by Nusrat Fateh Ali khan and took out my book and began to read it. I didn't want to notice everything that was happening around me. Did i actually know what was happening? What was I avoiding? But I preferred not to know and avoid it what so ever it was. I know everyone had an opinion about what happened sadly I had one too. "I shouldn't be thinking too much." I said to myself and continued with reading.(quote) Anxiety, fear, panic, is running away mentally, not physically. There is something over there in the corner of my mind, some thought, some image that I don't want to look at. Fear is based on the belief that I am safer not seeing, like a child closing its eyes as the ball comes toward it. Awareness is the first step to freeing the mind. I must not only hear the fear out but question it closely as to the answer it is suggesting. Just as with a nightmare, most fears will fall by the weight of their own nonsense - once they are bluntly seen. As I was pretending to be busy reading, shaina got into the class with Somu. Shaina shouted out a hi from across the room as she entered" Hi Vani" she screamed. Calling for every one's attention." hi shaina... H..i.. S..O..M..U.. " I said hesitantly.It took a lot of courage to say a hi.Shaina sat next to me where as Somu occupied the last bench.
Meanwhile Renu came in, She saw me and Somu seated in different benches.She stood there at the door looked at both of us and left.The class went on and I just pretended to be concentrating. I so much wanted to sort out things with Somu but this was definetly not the right time. And Renu, where did she go? As soon as we had the break I went out looking for Renu. I finally found her in the library. She was seated with someone. I walked towards her, only to find Karthik there. I controlled myself and with a fake smile said "Hi karthik, don't you seniors have classes today? where's nikitha, snap's and the rest of the gang?" " I just bunked the class." said Karthik. I looked at Renu, " Would you mind if I took Renu now? ...... comeon Renu let's go. "I said" "Where to?" Asked Renu in a low voice. "You just come with me. We are not going to the boring class for sure. " I took Renu's hand and took her away saying "Bye Karthik." I looked at him. I wanted to tell him what happened and wanted to ask so many questions but all that could wait. Renu was more important, she had to know she didn't have to choose among her two best friends.
I took her to the canteen.We grabbed a tea and puff. Sitting there I told her" Renu, I understand how you felt as you entered the class. I know it's becoming tough for you because of me and Somu. If I ask you for a favor, you won't say No to me na?" "What's that?" asked Renu."Please, please be with Somu, she's going through so much. I can manage myself but Somu needs your support. I'm not asking you to leave me. I just want you to be with her.You get it what I'm trying to tell you right?" I was making patterns on the table. She held my hands and said "I'm not sure what i want to do and what I should do. But the last thing I want right now is to be told what I need to do. So please don't force me to do things. I walked out because I was in no mood to attend classes, I messaged Karthik to bunk his class as I wanted to talk to him. Poor guy, missed his CCN class 'cos of me. I told him.... "looking at me she paused to know what was my reaction then continued "I told him everything that happened. Do you want to know what he told me ?" asked Renu. " No renu, I'm not yet prepared for this talk." I looked around. I had tears in my eyes. Damn I didn't want to cry. I was not so weak. I took few deep breath's. I could feel my palms all sweaty. I was bitting my lips hard. I said again " I'm not yet ready to listen, I want time to understand a few things about myself, and understand what everything else means to me." Renu said - "But you got to hear this." only to realise it was break time and the canteen was getting flooded. Let's get back to class, I said and we went back to class, Renu sat with me. I wonder how Somu was feeling. She surely would have decided me to be a traitor by now. She would be feeling, I was taking away all that belonged to her. Yet I know, the truth is not that. I sat there in the class pretending to be fine, pretending to be intrested in the class, pretending I had no fear, I was pretending from head to toe. I remembered only one thing. I wanted to Live from the inside out, not from the outside in.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment